Introducing Donnie's River, 3,494 Words

Well... I spent today shamelessly copying from Katie's novel and really doing very little related to anything. It was a slog! But also really fun. I have introduced the character James Bakker, former star of the show Donnie's River. He has just received a phone call from his friend and former co-star, Josh Jones, who has informed him that his chief writer has gone missing (!). I wrote an extended history of James' troubles, and really enjoyed bringing in Katie's character Abigail Martin. I also really chuckled to myself at the name I have given Donnie's best friend on the show (played by Josh Jones): Paulie Wandstein. I hope you enjoy this excerpt! 

Following the cancellation, James had spent years in relative obscurity, making comedic guest appearances on fly by night situational comedies, and a few ill-fated attempts at ‘serious’ acting. He had even dyed his signature wavy blond locks brown once to show how serious he was, an act which was irreverently described as ‘kicking around the browns’ in a popular teen magazine. He had watched as his less talented (in his opinion) and less popular co-stars won prestigious roles and awards. Somehow, they moved on. Somehow, when they went out in public, they weren’t regularly referred to by their Donnie’s River characters’ names. Somehow, scenes in which they had tenderly expressed the pain associated with teen angst had not been turned into gifs that went viral overnight. It wasn’t fair.

               His low point came when he was accosted by a mother and her teen daughter in a pharmacy while he was making a purchase. He had plastered his signature grin onto his face and was prepared for the inevitable selfie ask when the surly young teen had delivered the blow: ‘Who’s Donnie?’ she had asked with a sneer. It was just the type of teenage ennui and contempt he had once portrayed with such mastery. And here it was, being flung in his face with a casualness that cut him to the bone. He fled the pharmacy in tears, hoping against all hope that his outburst of emotion would not be captured on a cell phone camera and become a viral gif overnight. Even worse, there was a part of him that desperately hoped that would happen, because if there was something worse than being a laughingstock, it was being… irrelevant. He was 39, still spry for his age, but what did any of it matter? His life was over.

And then, something magical began to happen. Slowly, steadily, the tide of opinion, that fickle, ever-changeable mistress, began to turn in his favour. All of a sudden, Donnie’s River, which had long been considered something of a joke, began to have a cult-like following- a revival of sorts. Commentators on popular culture attributed it to the rising popularity of streaming services, to a new generation being exposed to the once edgy, now quaint teen drama, and to Gen X-ers and Millennials returning with nostalgia to a show they had loved before it became trendy to hate.

One particularly astute blogger, Abigail Martin, who had earned her stripes as a writer of Hallmark Christmas films had commented: “although the plots were dull and uninteresting, the dialogue clunky and unrealistic, the lead character a borderline narcissist and the ingénue as unlikeable as they come, the show worked because the emotion was real. The show perfectly captured all the feeling of adolescence…” She had gone on to deliver a scathing critique of some of the storylines- she seemed particularly piqued by the death of beloved patriarch and original DILF, Mac O’Toole (James couldn’t agree more), the lack of diversity on the show (fair), and the endless slut-shaming of character Jess Larson (maybe she had a point). She had ended the post with a cheeky #DonniesRiverReboot (back when cheeky hashtags used to be a thing).