Day 18: 32,669 and things got real unhinged, real fast

I was going to post the origin story of Logan 'Bam Bam' Brewster's nickname today (it's a real corker), but I just have to post the memo and subsequent diary entry of Chadwick "McDreamy" Penneyworth. And that is already a very long excerpt, so perhaps I will save the nickname origin story for another time.

So, here it is. I hope you enjoy!

To: All Staff at Barnaby Secondary School

From: Chadwick Penneyworth, “Acting” Principal

Date: August 31, 2025

Subject: “Suggested” Practices (Mandatory Rules)

Thank you to all those who stopped by the office or sent cards and gifts by way of congratulations for my great success in restoring WiFi Access to the ten poor souls on Martha’s Vineyard who had lost access to WiFi for four full days. They were heartened to know that the entirety of Barnaby Secondary School’s Staff and Senior Leadership team were keeping them in their thoughts and prayers. Unfortunately, I am a victim of my own success. Since the Committee has folded, my tireless activism as part of the Justice For Martha’s Vineyard Cancelled Community Members and Wifi Restoration and Contemplation Committee has come to a close. The committee has morphed into the Justice for Alan Dershowitz by Alan Dershowitz Committee, and only has one member currently. Stay tuned for updates!

As per the recommendation of Chuck from HR, I am writing this memo using a “sandwich” method. No, I’m not talking about bringing back the sandwiches to the cafeteria (lol as Chad from Legal would say). Perhaps it was rude of me to bring up sandwiches, because they will remain off the menu indefinitely, as punishment for your ongoing impudence (more on that in a moment). The sandwich method I am referring to is to open with good news or praise, give bad news or criticism, and end on a positive note.

I have been informed by Chad from Legal that there have been a number of ‘grievances’ filed by your ‘union’ and one of your ‘complaints’ is that apparently I do not have unfettered power when it comes to making changes to the employee code of conduct, but must go through a ‘mandatory’ process of ‘collaboration’ and ‘consultation’. Ok. Typing out all of these scare quotes is getting tiresome, so from now on, just assume that every single word that I type is in quotes. Because I have nothing but disdain for you and your ‘grievances.’ (last one, I promise, I just couldn’t type it without denoting sarcasm).

So, what follows are suggested practices, and by that, I mean mandatory rules.

Ok- back to your impudence. It has come to my attention that without any collaboration or consultation with senior leadership AT ALL, one of you has made the unilateral decision to create a whole new sports team. To add insult to injury (every. word. in. scare. quotes. don’t. forget.), a unilateral decision was made to hire failed hockey player and suspected arsonist, Jake “Kniesy” Kneiss, as volunteer head coach for the totally fictional team. Now, cool and playful nickname aside, do the words failure and arsonist seem like something we want associated with the great Barnaby Secondary School? They do NOT. Jake “Kniesy” Kneiss has been terminated, although we were willing to accept his generous donation, which will not be used for installing a rink nor will it be used for hockey uniforms. And don’t ask me what the donation will be allocated to. Brad from Finance has this well in hand. So. From this point forward:

First. There is no Logan Brewster in TEAM (sure there is a t, and an e, and an a in Logan Brewster, but no M and I do not count cool, playful nicknames, so don’t even get me started). Take from that what you will but I think you take my point. No new sports teams.

Second. Any new grievances filed will result in a counter filing of vexatious and pernicious use of grievance process. The latest grievance filed by your union representative(s) was about the emotional harm resultant from the completely understandable error Chuck from HR made when ordering the back-ordered ermine robes requested by the theater department. It could have happened to anyone. Just because they were identified as a costume as cats, and just because the promotional photo showed a cat wearing an ermine robe, doesn’t mean it wasn’t an honest mix-up. He thought they were kidding! No one has a sense of humour these days.

Third. No more placing jokey out of order signs on perfectly functional equipment. It is NOT funny at all, and has led to a huge waste of time, money, and resources, as Ryan from Physical has been running around like an asshole trying to fix things that aren’t broken. Oh. Chad from Legal has informed me that we are still working through a grievance process for my use of the word ‘asshole’ when referring to employees, so please consider that last part a joke. Lol, Chad, am I right?

To end this memo on a positive note… I am sorry, Chuck. I tried, I really did. I just can’t do it. Everything has gone to shit.

Govern Yourselves Accordingly,

-Chadwick Penneyworth, Acting Principal, Chair of the WiFi Coordination and Contemplation Committee for Quality Education, and Retired Special Advisor to the Justice for Martha’s Vineyard Cancelled Community Members and WiFi Restoration and Contemplation Committee

Diary Entry, Dated October 21, 2025. From the Diary of Chadwick Penneyworth, who lost hope that the department where you register your desire for a cool, playful nickname would ever get back to him, so he came up with his own.

Dear Diary,

I met Jake “Kniesy” Kneiss today, and he looks so much better in person than in his pictures. (Remind me to send a missive to James Mirtle later about his excellent reportage). Jake’s blue grey eyes were piercing, like the view of Lake Huron from the dock on a quiet morning. To say that his jaw is chiseled feels wrong. Maybe I would say that it was chiseled by the gods who broke the mold after they perfected jawlines. Also, he is a surprisingly nice and down to earth guy who shook my hand and said it was nice to meet me. Me! No one has ever said that to me before.

Obviously, my nervous system got real dysregulated, real fast. Before I knew what I was doing, I fired him. And then I wrote a really mean memo to all my staff. I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn’t. I mean it did for a little while. So it’s not all bad.

Yours truly,

Chadwick "McDreamy" Penneyworth